please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
