i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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