it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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