It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
