Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
