i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
