So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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