I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
