look no pants
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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