Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
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Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
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I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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