Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
