she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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