I wanna bring you to show and tell
Can i not drive my cunt home
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
