I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
