My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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