your parents love me but you hate me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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