I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
