I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
