Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
