my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
