seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
