worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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