then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
