I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
