it wasn't lemon gatorade
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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