so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
