you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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