Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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