I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize