I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
