ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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