my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
