I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
