Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Randomize
