This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
