No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
