I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
