I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
