So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
