I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
