So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
