I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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