It was confusing and full of hummus
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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