You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
