After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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