So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
