Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
