I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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