Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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