woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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