i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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