his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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