The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
