I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i think i have two assholes
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
