She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
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I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
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She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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