Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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