i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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